“Throw yourself into me”
…is what Jesus whispered to my heart when I metaphorically came slumping into worship this evening.
For weeks now I have been feeling like an undisciplined, disobedient, distant disappointment to God. I have put off writing what’s on my heart out of fear of being disingenuous because of my lack of consistent prayer, Bible study, or quality fellowship with my brothers and sisters.
But still, Jesus pursues me. And for this I thank God, because even during my deepest, darkest self-loathing God is still patient and his promises still true, whether I doubt Him or not. Jesus is still who He says He is, despite what battles are going on inside this head of mine.
2 Timothy 2:13 If we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself.
If I could make an educated guess as to why Jesus used the words “throw yourself into me,” it would be that I have done the exact opposite over these past couple of weeks. I have withdrawn from Him, even if that wasn’t my intention.
I want to honor and worship the Lord with my life. Because I’m human, however, what starts off as a pure pursuit of righteousness snowballs into a shell of what God intended wherein I’m living to please myself and not the Father.
I try with all of my will to live a Godly life, but therein lies the problem. I chase after perfection and righteousness in my own strength without thoughtful consideration of whether I’m pleasing the Lord or myself. It is embarrassing to admit, but I have even gone so far as to chase after the idea of looking like a Godly woman. Am I that delusional? Yes. The answer is yes, sometimes.
I have unfortunately clung to this sin of chasing “perfection”. God is calling me to commit it into his hands. It is scary and is long overdue. The suffering I have endured mentally and emotionally from this sin, Jesus has told me, is not something beyond the realm of what I can handle. He has called me to finally trust in who He is and what He says when he says:
1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
So, starting today I am following Jesus’ advice and throwing myself into all that He is. I am throwing myself into his immeasurable love and grace. I am throwing myself into all of His promises. It won’t be easy, because doubt has made plenty of sneak attacks on my heart before, but thankfully even when I am doubtful, Jesus is steadfastly loving and faithful.
Lamentations 3:22-23 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.